When God shows me a whole big, huge vision of a chunk of my heart that is not even trying to trust Him, it hurts, is confusing, stinks, is depressing, and not as unusual as I would like to believe. Last night talking to my husband about an upcoming event, I had a gestalt moment. Have you ever had those times when a split second revelation about the motives behind your anger, your sadness, your grief, or confusion comes skimming across your heart not with just a tiny pebble of reality, but a boulder? That's what happened to me. I was irritable and cranky about something very small that Ken and I were planning, then it hit me why I was being unreasonable; the past....the past came back with a vengance, the hurt, the pain and now the fears. Hurt from your past can be like a lead ball tied to your ankle, and I felt as if I was being thrown into the Chicago river. God shows us these sections of our hearts for a reason, but at the moment of realization all I felt was anger, confusion, and "I am not going to EVER get hurt again." Protectionism comes screaming at me like a spectre enveloping me into it's clutches, then the battle ensues. I don't want to be in the specter's enchanting vice grip, but I don't want to trust my heavenly Father either. Yes, I did say that. I don't want to trust. I want to hide. I must go to the sanctuary of God..
Psalm 73:15-28
English Standard Version (ESV)
15 If I had said, “I will speak thus,”
I would have betrayed the generation of your children.
16 But when I thought how to understand this,
it seemed to me a wearisome task,
17 until I went into the sanctuary of God;
then I discerned their end.
18 Truly you set them in slippery places;
you make them fall to ruin.
19 How they are destroyed in a moment,
swept away utterly by terrors!
20 Like a dream when one awakes,
O Lord, when you rouse yourself, you despise them as phantoms.
21 When my soul was embittered,
when I was pricked in heart,
22 I was brutish and ignorant;
I was like a beast toward you.
23 Nevertheless, I am continually with you;
you hold my right hand.
24 You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will receive me to glory.
25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.
26 My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
27 For behold, those who are far from you shall perish;
you put an end to everyone who is unfaithful to you.
28 But for me it is good to be near God;
I have made the Lord GOD my refuge,
that I may tell of all your works.
1 comments:
Ah, yes....the spectre of protectionism... guarding our heart from others, but in the process we keep God at bay to do the work He needs to do in and through us. Until that is, of course, He eventually breaks through anyway and has His way with us! Great post. Thanks for sharing. B.
Post a Comment