Solitude

I was reading in a Space for God by Don Postema, which was recommended by Upsidedownbee, in Mr. Postema's chapter on solitude. We are not creatures that like it really, solitude that is. We are restless not wanting to be left alone with our thoughts. I am an introvert, that cannot possibly be me. I love being alone, don't I? I have been meditating and experimenting on this idea of solitude.

I am at the doctor's office this morning and am having my first test of solitude. I always take a book with me for the waiting room, this morning was no different, except I have forgotten my glasses. I have tried to read, but I can't, I really can't even write legibly, but I'm giving it a try. I cannot even sit here for twenty minutes without trying to "redeem" the time by writing something that could be used or useful. I can't stand the thought of being useless. Deep down my image of what I "should" be is someone that is useful. If I am not useful, then I might as well give up. Is that true though? I am having an avalanche of thoughts that need Biblical introspection, not just what the world tells us. Is this an area of my life that I have not "changed my mind" about and brought it in line with Scripture?

I need to be quiet, to listen to what my heart is telling me about myself. Then I need to bring it to the light in line with what the Bible says.......

That Evening..............

It has rained all day, and so I am on the dreaded treadmill instead of walking in the woods. I loathe the treadmill. I have tried to read while walking, but it just doesn't work for me. So, I pray. More tests of solitude. My mind wanders from person to person, event to event. And the Holy Spirit touches me deep inside myself. As I am praying I realize that people, even the people that I love deeply, are projects to be checked off. Oh Father, to love like You do. I am so tired of trying to to check people off my list of worries. I don't even think I know how to love. Teach me in my solitude, in those rare moments when reality shows it's ugly head. Why is it that I don't want to need You as much as I do? Then I suppose I am exposed for the impostor I truly am. I need You Lord. I can't even love the way You want me to. I need you. Lynn