Darkness

When it is shown to a person that selfish ambition has been the driving force in their life, most of their life, it is a bit overwhelming. God always does these things for our good and His glory, but there is a transition period where you feel like you walk in darkness, stumbling to find the righteous ambition to follow. Thinking that I was made for something that I wasn't, is a hard place to be in. With this revelation comes new territory to discover, and to walk through. How does one start over in there late forties?

Isaiah 50 has always been one of my favorite passages in times of darkness. A prof. of mine a long time ago gave me the gift of Is. 50, and I have always turned to in in times of darkness. This time learning something that I have never seen before.

Isaiah 50:9ff

Behold, the Lord GOD helps me; who will declare me guilty?

Behold, all of them will wear out like a garment; the moth will eat them up.
10Who among you fears the LORD and obeys the voice of his servant?

Let him who walks in darkness and has no light, trust in the name of the LORD

and rely on his God.

11Behold, all you who kindle a fire, who equip yourselves with burning torches!

Walk by the light of your fire, and by the torches that you have kindled! This you have from my hand: you shall lie down in torment.

Sometimes walking in darkness is a much better alternative than to lie down in torment with all the artificial light that you could produce on your own.

Walking so very long with the light of my own torch, to walk in darkness, to trust the unseen, how? Will you be there when I let go of my own light, my own torch? How will I know you're really there? My own torch has been lighting my way for so long-I seem destined to walk in the dark, in the shadows trying desperately to find my way. Oh, to walk in confidence. To know each step will be the one you want for me.

Holding my hands out in front of my face I stumble against an unseen object in the dark, my eyes some what get adjusted and I begin to see shadows dancing against the wall. Reaching, stretching towards the light, I begin once again to see and reach my arms towards the light ahead of me. I gain such a feeling of uphoria that I relax, I place my feet confidently, deftly down. With each step I go faster, swifter. Then, the light dims and I stike my head against the wall that I didn't even kinow was there. Dazed, scared, hurt I wonder why I never saw it coming. My hand reaches up to rub my forehead to stop the throbbing pain. As I do, my eyes are peirced by a vivid illumination of objects ahead. I then remember I need to push on going once again towards the light. Where did I get the idea that my artificial torch would ever be my guide? Where did I ever get the idea that faith never stumbles or walks in the dark?